The more I break, suffer injuries, pull up lame and generally fail to achieve that much in these physical pursuits, the more I'm aware that I was poorly put together.
You know, all my body parts, limbs, lungs, eyes, knees, brain…
I often wander off into an odd train of thought were I imagine there was a day when my body was constructed by some sort of creator - now I’m aware this is not how it works and I believe in nothing more than mother nature and a great and fortuitous evolutionary journey that started somewhere billions of years ago - but just go with me.
I think it must have been the end of the day, or the end of a production line where they (they being said designers) had a load of defective parts left over, and some line manager said: “Well no point wasting them - may as well try and make another one.”
You see - that’s where I think I came in.
“Well I’ve got a set of lungs but they’s got asthma and definitely prone to lung infections and colds at least three of four items a a year. So much so he’ll spend much of his childhood taking steroids in every form you can imagine and will end up in A&E on a nebuliser a few times.”
Bung them in.
“I’ve got a heart, but its beat is all over the place - I think they call it Wenkebach Phenemonen. Oh, and seems to have atrial fibrillation and pretty certain it’s going to develop come valve issues quite early on.”
Ah chuck it in.
“Well, I’ve got an immune system that’s just shit. Whoever gets this will suffer the worst hay fever, will be allergic to everything from cat hair, to dust mite, fungal spores, latex (that was unfortunate) grass, pollen…the list goes on.”
Bugger it - he’ll survive.
“You - with the limbs, and major body parts - what have you got?”
“Got a really short pair of legs, an unusually long body, a very large head and a set of very small hands.
“Yea - bit weird but stick it together and see what it looks like. Oh - I think that’s pretty much the look most men don’t want but let’s see how he gets on!”
Eyes, how’s the eyes. “Got a nice colour blue, but by the time he’s in his early 20s people will mistake him for some sort of welder based on the thickness of his glasses.”
‘Yea but nice blue - stick them in.”
"Here’s the teeth. Oh Jesus, look like a bag of chips! Going to need a lot of very expensive and painful dental work and in fact, when he’s 17 they are going to have to dissociate his jaw to rip his wisdom teeth out just to get his teeth to fit in his little jawbone which will sever the nerve in his upper lip and give him lifelong crooked smile.”
Add in that pair of dodgy ankles, weak achilles tendons that will dash any hopes of a football career very early on.
“Hold on - I’ve got a slightly misshaped spine, going to give him major sciatic pain and continual lower back pain”
He'll live.
You, in the brain department?
“Well, the best one I’ve got left has a major case of ADHD, general bemusement and bewilderment and very slow on the uptake, considering the rest of him - would that be fair?”
Ok - on the whole it’s a shit show - but it will pass and I do hate to see body parts going to waste.
Again - I know it does’t work like that - but it feels like that’s exactly how it worked. That’s exactly how I got here, that’s exactly what I’ve got to work with.
Just keep moving.